My Ridiculously Eventful Life and Near Death Experiences
by celmiji
Summary: "Wow, I died. Whoops! Don't you worry, I'm moving onto my second life!" A crack-ish fic revolving around an OC who doesn't find out he's in one of his favorite anime until he finds the plot. Wait, he's a girl?
1. Chapter 1

Prologue: Someone Poops Me Out, Then Drops Me Off At An Orphanage

Let's quickly go over that part where I am pooped out, shall we?

First, I have the senses of a twenty year old man. However, I am in a body of a one-second old baby.

Oh, yes, I felt it when the cut off the umbilical cord.

Yeah. This is the shittiest beginning of my life ever.

When I was dropped off at the orphanage, I was given a lot of food. NOT. The food was disgusting. It was grounded up oats with… water, I think.

Do you realize how hard it is to walk when there's no adult to help you?

I know I should be glad someone's helping me with it, but it doesn't help if they can't walk either.

_Nevertheless, I am man, and a man must stand with his chest high….? _I thought before I fell down on my face.

"Lamia!"

However, it seems that I am female in this life...

Six years after I was dropped off at eternal daycare, I found that the caretakers were somewhat religious.

Actually, it was a church. Really, I wanted to AT LEAST become something cooler than a nun. I know full well how to read and write, yet I am given minimal education. I don't WANT to wash and cook. I don't WANT to farm. I can't weave, and I can't sit still and pray. I can't drink the wine I am told to make, so why do I bother?

No matter how aggravating the circumstances are, no matter how annoying my company is, I must smile and talk in a polite tone. Even if it is the strict, annoying fat pig of an abbess who nitpicks at every single thing that comes to her line of vision, I must flatter her as if I'm meeting the love goddess XXX.

Do you understand the difficulty level of this? I must even politely allow my superiors to cut the line and go to the chamber pot before me, even if it feels like my bladder is about to burst after an one hour service in the morning, praying and praying!

Even if I want to grab the nearest weapon and stab that fat pig of an abbess who refuses to die and give up her role to the far more pleasant deputy, I cannot.

I can only smile helplessly as I agree to go on a mission to visit the Queen of England.

...wait, what?

"Sister Lamia, I apologize for the late notice, but please accompany us on a visit to Her Majesty the Queen," the fat pig of an abbess looked down on me. I paused in the middle of my reading and smiled politely at her.

"HELL NO," is what I like to say. "'tis my honor to visit Her Majesty the Queen," with a meek expression and a hint of admiration is what I must say.

I am Sister Lamia, the one little sister that would be known as "The Cursed Infirmarian". Why? Because I failed to save the previous Infirmarian who died of common cold thirteen days after making me her apprentice. It's not like I knew how to save her with the little knowledge I had from books!

Why is it that the Infirmarian died when on the thirteenth day? Is God trying to troll me?

"Then, I would like you to be out after Compline."

I let out an aggravated expression as the abbess turned and strutted out of the room.

I've somewhat realized that this isn't the 21st century. However, what puzzled me the most was why some of the children wore sailor uniforms.

_...they're Japanese? They can't be. _I thought as I stepped down the hallway towards our cabins that the church recently installed with the support of Her Majesty the Queen. Oh, I forgot to introduce you to my roommate!

"Sister Lamia," Sister Amanda smiled benevolently at me. "What brings you here to our humble abode?"

_I live here, goddammit! Stop asking me that, flat-chest! _"Sister Amanda, under the well-intentioned reasoning of God, the abbess has carried out His orders and had me accompany her in spreading His benevolence far into Her Majesty's palace."

_That is to say, I'm going on a mission with the abbess to Her Majesty's palace! _

"Oh, is that the case?" Sister Amanda maintained that smile of hers. "Then, I've already packed your belongings, Sister Lamia! Your cases are at the entrance, may God bless your journey!"

However, her eyes read "F*ck! If you're gonna go on a mission then leave already! May you die on the way back so I can get a new roommate!"

This is why I shouldn't have become an Infirmarian.

The Queen's residence really is not just a normal distance away. I reluctantly decided to bear the pain of spending money to call a carriage to bring me there.

Why do I have to pay, you ask? Regardless of what the situation, those with a lower rank in the abbey must pay! I'm not sure that's accurate, maybe it's just because I'm still being hated for that incident with the previous Infirmian…

The abbess and the deputy only stared on emotionlessly in front of me, and I felt like crying…

_Wah, you two, stop staring at me like fish! It's a honor for a man like me to be the target of such intense study from two women, despite how one of them looks only slightly better than a boar, but stop staring at me like that! I'm a girl now, and I'm around twenty years younger physically, and even mentally younger ten years! _

And, after a few more minutes of intense staring, the carriage's roof suddenly bent in.

"..."

"..."

"..."

Us three women could only remain silent as a creepy man with white hair managed to rip the roof off our carriage.

**This is Arnee speaking. **

**Please pay attention. **

**This is my first OC fic written from first person perspective. Updates are random. Black Butler... also a first. This is also an anime fic, because it is easier and shorter than the manga. It's not like I like the anime better (I don't). So please... don't expect much. I have it all written down. Also, this fic was meant to show what OCs are. There are no real references to the series in this prologue and will follow the plot starting from the next chapter. **

**Review please. **


	2. Chapter 2

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>p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: center;"span style="font-size: 15px; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"-span/p  
>p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-indent: 36pt;"span style="font-size: 15px; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"What is life? Why do we live? span/p  
>p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-indent: 36pt;"span style="font-size: 15px; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"A guy asked me that, so I beat that guy to death. span/p  
>p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-indent: 36pt;"span style="font-size: 15px; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"(This is a recollection of my past life.)span/p  
>p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-indent: 36pt;"span style="font-size: 15px; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"But really now, I am questioning my existence. Why didn't God just spanspan style="font-size: 15px; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"let me die?!/span/p  
>p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-indent: 36pt;"span style="font-size: 15px; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Good evening, my lady. I, Ash Landers, shall be escorting you to Her Majesty's palace personally," the man, throwing the roof of the carriage aside casually before brushing his well-tailored suit off, lent one hand to help that damn fat pig of an abbess. span/p  
>p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-indent: 36pt;"span style="font-size: 15px; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Oh, how the times have changed!spanspan style="font-size: 15px; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;" I sighed in deep lament. /spanspan style="font-size: 15px; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Originally the only man who would act courteous to that fat pig was the old priest, but now even young, handsome men would reach out a kind hand! Never in the time I had known the abbess have I seen her like this! /span/p  
>p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-indent: 36pt;"span style="font-size: 15px; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"This was true. I had underwent THREE YEARS of damage… I mean, training before meeting with the abbess at age seven. span/p  
>p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-indent: 36pt;"span style="font-size: 15px; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"But… the abbess is wearing a look of admiration… and… ew… that I've never seen her look like this. span/p  
>p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-indent: 36pt;"span style="font-size: 15px; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Hm… but where have I heard that name before? I must have… spanspan style="font-size: 15px; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I gave up, sighing. /spanspan style="font-size: 15px; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Whatever! I've already made up my mind; in this life, I shall achieve being a person who isn't a suspicious delinquent, isn't a disgusting male, and is what they call a super nice person!/span/p  
>p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-indent: 36pt;"span style="font-size: 15px; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""You, too, young lady over there," a hand was dangling in my face. I looked up to see the same white-haired man, a smiled stretch on his face, meant to be reassuring. span/p  
>p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-indent: 36pt;"span style="font-size: 15px; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Ah." I nodded and smiled that smile, and reached out. span/p  
>p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-indent: 36pt;"span style="font-size: 15px; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Damn it, you bastard! I payed for this carriage! Now I have to go through the trouble of paying the damage to the roof, you goddamned white-haired old man!span/p  
>p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-indent: 36pt; text-align: center;"span style="font-size: 15px; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"-span/p  
>p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-indent: 36pt;"span style="font-size: 15px; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"For some reason, religion was very important. I… really don't know why. Belonging to an religious group gave you a large "level-up" in society. I… really… REALLY… don't know why. span/p  
>p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-indent: 36pt;"span style="font-size: 15px; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"However, that was the reality of the situation. Ash Landers, however, drew the attention of all nearby pedestrians. Us nuns, all covered in black, seemed to be unnoticed. span/p  
>p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-indent: 36pt;"span style="font-size: 15px; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Good god, is this man that good-looking? Or is it because everyone is gawking at the 'white haired old man' and his youthful prancing?!" I screamed at the pedestrians. span/p  
>p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-indent: 36pt;"span style="font-size: 15px; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"However, the aforementioned outburst was only the cry of my heart, so I did nothing. Before long, we reached the palace. span/p  
>p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-indent: 36pt;"span style="font-size: 15px; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"All we really had to do, however, is to "heal her". Really, there's been no news of her supposed injuries. I suppose it's because of the Queen's constant paranoia since her husband's death. Psychological is the term. span/p  
>p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-indent: 36pt;"span style="font-size: 15px; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"That's strange, I'm not even that good. Medics from all over are famed for their healing abilities. But whatever, anything for the money. We needed it. span/p  
>p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-align: center;"span style="font-size: 15px; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"-span/p  
>p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-indent: 36pt;"span style="font-size: 15px; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"We entered the grandiose audience hall and, sure enough, there was no Queen to be found. When the abbess looked around in panic as if looking for her, I internally face palmed. span/p  
>p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-indent: 36pt;"span style="font-size: 15px; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Ash Landers… Ash, I guess, led me into the hallway, after minding to ask the two to wait in the hallway for further instruction. Good lord, is the Queen too psychologically scarred to even greet her visitors in the audience hall? span/p  
>p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-indent: 36pt;"span style="font-size: 15px; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Remaining silent as the white haired aide led me from hallway to hallway… ah, my feet are getting sore! In my previous life, I would have easily ran twice as fast… not minding the fact I had to gather my skirts– which I hated due to its annoying habit of slipping out of my hand– and sprint after the man to match his foot steps! What's with his long strides?! Would it kill him to wait? span/p  
>p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-indent: 36pt;"span style="font-size: 15px; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"We finally stopped in front of a simple looking door. Ash knocked two times, followed by a low mutter that I couldn't be bothered to hear through my exhausted panting. span/p  
>p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-indent: 36pt;"span style="font-size: 15px; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Ah, were all the taxes that we paid used up to build this damn castle? Not to mention, it's hard to move about! span/p  
>p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-indent: 36pt;"span style="font-size: 15px; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Before I could catch my breath, the white haired aide opened the door, showing my disheveled self to the Queen of England. span/p  
>p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-indent: 36pt;"span style="font-size: 15px; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I cursed inwardly. span/p  
>p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-indent: 36pt;"span style="font-size: 15px; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Making sure to pat down my skirts, I bowed lowly and wore a perfect smile, resisting the urge to hurl at smell of rotting flesh. span/p  
>p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-indent: 36pt;"span style="font-size: 15px; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"… wait. span/p  
>p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-indent: 36pt;"span style="font-size: 15px; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Rotting flesh? spanspan style="font-size: 15px; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Before I could ponder more, a soft, feminine voice reached my ears. /span/p  
>p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-indent: 36pt;"span style="font-size: 15px; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Who is this?" span/p  
>p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-indent: 36pt;"span style="font-size: 15px; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Smoothly, Ash introduced me. "Your Majesty, this is Lamia, an infirmian from the Church. She has come to…"span/p  
>p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-indent: 36pt;"span style="font-size: 15px; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"Holy sh-t! What is wrong with this? spanspan style="font-size: 15px; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I stared wide-eyed at the Queen. /spanspan style="font-size: 15px; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"I thought the Queen was supposed to be super fat in this time and be lounging around! /span/p  
>p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-indent: 36pt;"span style="font-size: 15px; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"However, before I could open my mouth, Ash Landers beamed at me.span/p  
>p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-indent: 36pt;"span style="font-size: 15px; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;""Your Majesty," he directed the Queen's attention at me before casually remarking, "From now on, you no longer need my aid in your more feminine health issues."span/p  
>p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt; text-indent: 36pt; text-align: center;"span style="font-size: 15px; font-family: Arial; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"-span/p  
>p style="text-align: center;"strongYes, it's rather long isn't it?strong/p  
>p style="text-align: center;"span id="docs-internal-guid-e8cea31d-c96a-c849-d169-8d1c4175ffad"strongThis is Arnee Wenn- or rather, celmiji, at this point. strongbr /span/p  
>p style="text-align: center;"strong...lol.strong/p  
>p style="text-align: center;"strongI guess I needed to change my name. It's too much my like real one. strong/p  
>p style="text-align: center;"strongIt's cute. Kyaa~!strong/p 


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